Becoming

I tool a little break from this blog, I'm happy to be back.

A few changes have happened to our family over the last several months.

Our children, the oldest three, have all gone back to school. Public school.

I lost sleep over that decision, but now that we are almost 4 months into the school year, all my fears are gone. My children are doing well, and are enjoying the new experiences they have been having.

The biggest change would have to be what my family and I are becoming. We are becoming Orthodox.

We have been attending a Western Rite Antiochian Church.

We are in the process of learning about the Orthodox way, it is quite different from any religious class I've ever took. There is more of an emphasis on our connection with God, prayer, etc... more so than all knowledge. That is one of the reasons I was drawn to Orthodoxy in the first place.

Don't get me wrong we do have to learn the faith. We do study and discuss topics with our priest. It's going very well and I'm learning a lot. I'm thankful that my spiritual relationship with God is the most important topic.

It is a big change. Not just the way things are done in the Mass or some of the beliefs, but a change in thinking, a change in me as a person.

That means discipline and a change of being. Those are tall orders.

Right now I feel as though I don't have a spiritual home. But I think it is a good thing, because I feel God is preparing me. And the anticipation that I feel about "becoming" is so joyful!

I look forward to the learning, friends, home, truth, love, mercy, and becoming.

"Cast yourself into the arms of God and be very sure that if He wants anything of you, He will lift you for the work and give you strength."

—Philip Neri

Fake it Until You Make It

Reading the Bible everyday has me thinking. When I read that Jesus wants us to love and care for everyone it brought me back to a place where I had trouble with this command. Not because I was hateful but because I didn’t really love or care for myself.

When I lived at home as a teenager I had a couple of years where I had anger and resentment in my heart. My parents and I had little communication and when we did communicate it was usually to yell at each other. I had hardened my heart to those who cared about me the most.

I remember sitting in my room and my Dad walked in and tossed a book on my bed. When he left I picked up the book and looked at it. It was some sort of self-help book. I can’t remember the name. I probably rolled my eyes, but I did glance at it. Over the next week I skimmed this book until I came to a chapter with the title, Fake it Until You Make It. I was interested so I read the chapter.

The Doctor or whoever wrote this book was asking the reader to imagine who they wanted to be, how they wanted to interact with people, and then act that way, even if it went against the way you would normally act.

My first reaction was probably another eye roll and an attitude of I will not be fake. I will always be myself no matter what the consequences. (You know how teenagers can be).
Then I realized the suggestion was not asking me to be fake it was asking me to “act” in a way that I would like to be. So I thought I would give it a try.

My first experiment came quickly, I heard my mom yelling my name from downstairs. I stood at the top of the stairs and answered her. My mom started yelling about some clothes I didn’t fold. My whole being wanted to yell back, the unfairness of it all built up inside of me. I wanted to bring up why she didn’t scream at my brother. But instead I thought of the book my dad gave me. I was going to fake it. I clenched my fists and in a nice voice said, ‘Sorry mom, it won’t happen again.” I thought she might have keeled over in shock because I didn’t hear anything. Then my mom said in a normal voice, “Ok Hun thanks.”

I could not believe this worked, I continued to “fake” it with everyone and I started to see my life turn into something that I wanted to see. The yelling stopped, I was becoming calm. I was building good relationships. I was genuinely loving and caring for people.

The idea that I could not change others only myself became my “mantra.”

When Jesus says to love and care for everyone, it can be hard. Now that I have a relationship with God I can take this experience that I had as a teenager and apply it to what Jesus wants me to do.

I am not talking about pretending to love people; I am talking about seeing Jesus in everyone and loving them for that reason. When a person comes along where it seems Jesus is well hidden inside of them, I will find the compassion and the courage to love them, even if I have to fake it until I make it.

Fill It Up

Blaise Pascal wrote: “There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every person, and it can never be filled by any created thing. It can only be filled by God, made known through Jesus Christ.”

I am sure you have heard a few times that every person has a God shaped hole in their heart that can only be filled by God. What does this mean? I have thought about this for a while and have come to my own opinion to what this statement means to me.

In this world we are bombarded by quick fixes. If you feel empty or alone there are many things that can quickly lift your spirits for the short term.

Going by my own experiences there are people who find all kind of ways to fill these holes. Spending money on “things” that they think will make them happy. Using food as a way to calm their emotions and fill the empty hole. I have fallen into these ways of fulfillment myself and quickly realized that these ways do not fill up the empty feeling, they actually bring more emptiness.

Even relationships can be used to temporarily fill the hole from loneliness, and sadness. Couples that stay together when it is obvious that they are doing harm to one another. There is no care for the other’s spiritual well being. They help the other sin. Yet they stay together because the hole is being temporarily filled although they continue feeling lonely and hurt.

Children used to fill these empty holes in their parents would have to be the saddest example for me.

Then of course there are the addictions, drugs, alcohol, gambling etc…

How do I keep myself from falling into the traps laid out before us? My answer is God. Do people want to hear this answer? I don’t know, but it is the only one I have.

Did God give us this heart with the hole in it and just expect us to figure out how to fill it? When I give my simple answer of God to people with little or no faith how are they supposed to understand what I mean?

That is where the Sacraments and the Catholic Faith come in. I really can’t believe God would leave us wandering around wondering how we are to get Him to fill our empty hearts. What do we do?

As humans we love our senses. We like to see things happening, smell them, hear them, and feel them. God knows this, after all he knows everything and he made himself human, so He knows.

The Sacraments are just that, the real touchable presence of God. He has given us himself in such a way that we can see, feel, taste, and hear. God is not invisible; He can be touched with all your senses in the Catholic Church.

God clearly explained and showed us exactly how to fill up our hearts. It is not a guessing game or supposed to leave us in wonder. God is present in a special way through the Eucharist and in every other Sacrament. He is waiting to be taken into our hearts, to fill us with peace and joy. God waits there for us and always will.

Body Mind and Soul

Three days ago I started exercising, eating foods that are good for my body and have used prayer as my focus. I am happy to announce I have lost three pound, and the feeling of wellness is starting to occur

I want to be healthy mind, body and soul, these are not quick easy fixes, but nothing easy has ever worked for me in the long run. If I change the outside but neglect the inside I will never be whole.

A friend of mine has a great blog about weight loss, but it is more than that. It is about real people dealing with food, dieting, body image and spirituality. The blog is called In God’s Image. The writers on the blog have inspired me to take my whole being along on my spiritual journey through this life.

With God as my focus anything can be accomplished and for all the right reasons.

Magnificent Art

Big D does not let me read his posts on his blog while he is writing them. I have to venture over to his blog when he is done like everyone else.

Yesterday I sat down at the computer to do some blog reading and I of course visited Big D's blog first. He had written a beautiful post that I would like to share with everyone.

Give his blog a visit and find out how beautiful art can be.

You can visit him here Professio.

Charity

Lil D and I were snuggled on the couch as I read to him from our Children’s Bible. I decided to read him the Sermon On The Mount. I read from the Bible and then Lil D and I would talk about what exactly Jesus was telling us and how we can follow what He was saying in our own life. We were having a sweet Mother son moment

Lil D then asked me a question I didn’t really know how to answer. He said, “Mom if you saw a homeless person on the street would you bring him home to stay with us?” I looked at Lil D for a minute and wasn’t quite sure how to answer. I decided to tell him the truth, and said no, I would not invite a strange homeless person into our home.

Lil D had a look of surprise on his face, like he could not believe I said no. He said, “Why Mom, Jesus would.”

Explaining that there is bad in the world to my children really upsets me. Whether it is about strangers, mean people, or whatever. It seems every time I have to talk about the cruelty of the world to my children they loose a bit of their innocence.

I had to explain to Lil D that I would not bring a random homeless person into our house because I could not be sure if he or she were a good person or not. I could not risk it if the person was dangerous.

I told Lil D I would give the person money, food and my prayers. As I looked into Lil D’s eyes I wished that the world and the people in it could be trusted as much as my little guy trusted me.

After Lil D and I were done with our reading and our talk he looked at me and said, “Well if they can’t come over than the next time I see a homeless person I am going to bring them a loaf of bread and a jar peanut butter.” My heart swelled up and I just gave him a hug and said Jesus would love if you did that.

I am glad Lil D was shocked when I said I wouldn’t invite a homeless person into our home. I hope when it comes to helping people in anyway shape or form Lil D will always be shocked at people who don’t do it.

I think it is time I looked at how our family helps those in need and see if there is more we can do. I want to show Lil D and the rest of my children that there are ways we can contribute to the needy. I need to put more action into the words I tell them when I say it is our duty to give to those who have less than we do.

If my little guy is willing than I should be too.

Invite God to The Party

Oney was our baby that gave us the most worries. Before he was born I had the tests done for Down Syndrome and Spina Bifida. The same tests I had with all my other children.

When I got the call from my Doctor’s office and the women on the phone told me that I needed to come to the office right away is a day I will always remember.

I rushed to the office and sat in the room waiting for my Doctor to come in. My heart was racing; I already had tears in my eyes. The doctor came in; he sat down and told me the tests had come back positive. It could mean Down Syndrome or Spina Bifida.

At that moment I became a hysterical pregnant woman. I was crying so hard I could not catch my breath. All I Could think of was that my perfect little baby was hurt, and there was nothing I could do about it.

The Doctor tried to reassure me but I could not process anything he was saying. I went home and called Big D, still hysterical, I am sure he could not fully understand what I was trying to say. Being my Knight in shining armor that he is, he rushed home and went to the Doctors office to get the full rational story.

We decided to get the amino test done to see if this was really what was going on. I needed to know because I was so distraught and depressed. I needed to know what was happing to my son so I could be prepared and come to terms with it.

We had to wait two weeks before we took the test; during that time I was a depressed emotional wreck. I turned to God and prayed like I have never prayed before. All I could think about was what was happening to my baby, and I prayed constantly every day.

I met an acquaintance who had a child with Down Syndrome, when I told her what was happening to us her first words were, “Congratulations, they are a blessing.” To be honest I got a little angry at her statement. I started to get angry with anyone who said things like, “You will love him just the same.” “Everything happens for a reason” and so on. I was sad, deflated and angry. I also felt guilty for having these emotions. I felt I was giving the impression that children with Downs were not satisfactory. I prayed even harder. God did lift that anger, and I began to feel comfort in people’s reassuring words. I felt so close to God even though I was suffering so much.

After the test was done we found out that in fact Oney was a healthy baby boy. I thanked God and my constant prayer stopped. My happy content life returned to normal and my prayer life diminished.

When Oney was a month old he developed RSV. The morning I found him cold and limp will also live in my memory forever. When Big D and I were in the hospital rubbing Oney’s little body to get him to start breathing again will never be forgotten.

Seeing my sweet little boy with a breathing tube and a feeding tube not knowing when or if I would ever take him home was something that tore my heart right out of me.

Again I turned to God. Constant prayer is what kept me from lying in bed and not getting up. Constant prayer helped me to be a mom to my other children, to get through Christmas without my little boy. God was with me I could feel him all around me.

We were finally able to take Oney home, I thanked God and my life went back to normal. Once again my constant prayer stopped.

"Watch ye, therefore, praying at all times, that you may be accounted worthy to escape all these things that are to come and to stand before the Son of man." -Luke 21:36

What does praying at all times mean? It seems that the only time I did this was when tragedy struck, when God was the only person I could cling to. What about the times when life is a party, when things are good and God’s blessings are apparent? I have learned through tragic events that yes, even when life is a party I must invite God into my life through prayer.

I believe if my prayers never ceased through the good times, when the bad times came around I would not be searching so fervently for God. I would not in a frantic haste pray for Him to be at my side, because I would know that He has been there all along.

I don’t think I can say this enough, children can teach us so many things about God. They are blessing from God for a good reason. Children help us to understand what “Pray always” means. I have been blessed to have a life that is most of the time a party, having been blessed with that type of life I feel it is my obligation to continue to pray always, everyday for God’s grace, for others, for family and for the world.

God wants to be in my life when things are going great. Just as much as he wants to be my rock when things are going wrong. I won’t forget this. I will take what my little son has taught me. God will be there always through prayer when I am down and need Him. He will also be there when Life is wonderful because I will still need Him.

I look to God to help others and me out of the darkness; I will also remember to invite him to the party.

6 Word Meme

I was tagged by ginny over at Small Things With Great Love
Here is the info from their blogs about the "rules" of what you are to do...
This meme originated over an idea that was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith & Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous & Obscure. It’s a compilation based on the story that Hemingway once bet ten dollars that he could sum up his life in six words. His words were, “For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn.”

1. Write your own six word memoir.
2. Post it to your blog including a visual illustration if you would like.
3. Link to the person who tagged you in your post and to this original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blog sphere.
4. Tag 5 more blogs with links.
5. Don’t forget to leave a comment in the tagged blogs with an invitation to play.



Every day,I trust in you


I tag...

Sissy (What's in Sissy's Head)

Cathy (From the Field of Blue Children)

Mama Says

Angie (Many Little Blessings)

Motherhood for Dummies

Thrusday Thirteen

“It has been often said, very truly, that religion is the thing that makes the ordinary man feel extraordinary; it is an equally important truth that religion is the thing that makes the extraordinary man feel ordinary."
- Charles Dickens

“The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost.”
-G.K. Chesterton

There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way."
-C.S. Lewis

"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen; not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."
-C.S. Lewis

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
-Mother Theresa

It is not the magnitude of our actions but the amount of love that is put into them that matters.
-Mother Theresa

I believe in the sun even if it isn't shining. I believe in love even when I am alone. I believe in God even when He is silent.
-Anonymous

The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness. ~Honoré de Balzac

“Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
For babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow
So quiet down, cobwebs
Dust, go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep.
-Anonymous

Grown don't mean nothing to a mother. A child is a child. They get bigger, older, but grown? What's that suppose to mean? In my heart it don't mean a thing.
~Toni Morrison, Beloved, 1987

Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.
-Denis Waitley

The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.
-Albert Einstein


It is not true that nice guys finish last. Nice guys are winners before the game ever starts.
–Addison Walker

Thursday Thirteen

God Bless These Chicken Nuggets

My kids teach me a lot of things. They teach me patience, I seem to be a slow learner at this, I keep tying. They teach me about love, kindness and they teach me how to have faith like a child.

Big D and I want to teach our children that you don’t have to hide your faith, we are open and talk about God with them everyday. These little folks are not reserved when it comes to talking about their faith or prayers around anyone, for this I am grateful.

The lesson they taught me happened one day at McDonald's I took them there for lunch and to run around in the play area. We got our nutritious meal of cheeseburgers and chicken nuggets and sat down in the crowded play area to eat. My kids know they have to eat all their food before they can play. I guess that gives me a point for being a good mom, even though I feed them fast food sometimes for lunch.

The place was packed. Moms, Dads, and kids filled the tables. There were also kids running around playing. We were about to start eating when Miss said, “Wait we have to say grace.” This was at a time when we had just begun making prayer apart of our daily lives. Being reserved in my faith, I felt uncomfortable. I did not want my kids to see I felt this way, I put my burger down and said, “Go ahead."

The kids quietly folded their hands and made the sign of the cross. In a normal voice they said Grace. I followed their lead. I had my head down so I don’t know if people were looking at us or not. I didn’t care; after we said Grace I could not have been more proud. I thanked God to myself. I thanked him for these children, and I asked him to help me to be like them.

That day as my children and I said Grace over our chicken nuggets and cheeseburgers I felt God was truly giving me a lesson through these little children. Have faith like a child, God is everywhere, (even McDonald's) and never be afraid to be who you are. Now our family always says Grace before we eat no matter where we are. I don’t feel uncomfortable about it at all.

My children taught me that.

Viewing Life Through Orange Colored Goggles

Is it possible to view the world through rose-colored glasses, or orange colored goggles as this post depicts? How can I live in the world today and not be jaded by the tragedies that happen. How can I overcome the tragedies that befall me?

When these things come to mind I think of how children get along in the world and the experiences they deal with. It seems from the very start of life children are born with an embedded trust in their parents. As children get older they seem to believe that their parents control the universe. When a child has parents who love and care for them the trust is sometimes overwhelming. If a tragedy or a bad thing happens to a child, they look to their parents to make it all better, or at least explain it in a way that the child can overcome the experience.

With this kind of parent child relationship, I can see how it is easy for a child to view the world in a positive way. What about us as adults and parents, this is something we cannot teach our children unless we know how to do it ourselves. I believe this is where God and faith come in.

As infants we have parents who cater to our every need, as children our parents shield us from the dangerous ways of the world. We form a tremendous trust. And learn that yes, the world can sometimes be a dangerous and hurtful place, but there is always a safe spot for us. A place we can go to come back to good thoughts and actions.

Does this all end as we leave our parents and venture out in to the world as adults? I believe that the bigger picture is God. He is our safe spot. When I let go and understand that He controls my universe, I can feel at rest with the experiences that happen around me.

I would like to believe that my trust in God could never be broken, even when my loved ones or I are in the midst of tragedy. When hope seems so far away, would my trust be as strong as I would like it to be? I believe this is where examples of people who do have that trust come in.

When I was pregnant with Oney a couple from our parish was also pregnant. The Adamkiewiczs. Catherine was due around the same time as I was.When we saw each other we would talk about our pregnancies and all things baby.Time went on and I had Oney,a healthy baby boy. Catherine had Celeste, but she was not healthy. She was kept at the hospital due to her illness. When we would see the Adamkiewicz family they would give us updates, and sometimes their eyes were filled with hope that little Celeste would b coming home soon.

Celeste never came home. It was an awful tragedy that fell on this family. How could this happen to such a wonderful family? A family who tries their very best to live the way God wants them to? After Celeste died we would see Catherine and her family at Church, their trust in God was strong. It was an example to all of us.

They decided that God controlled their universe and like any good parent He would take care of them.Catherine and her family decided to put on their rose colored glasses and let God take care of them and their broken hearts.

This family went further, they knew Celeste was here for a reason, Catherine wrote a book about their tragedy and their faith that held them together. The book is called Broken and Blessed. It is a story of a family who had to use all their strength to trust that God would see them through their daughter’s death.

The Adamkiewicz family used their tragedy to show us that God will provide. He is the perfect parent. We can trust Him to guide us and help us to see a positive out of the tragedies that befall our world and our lives, we only need to trust that this will happen, like a child would trust their Mother and Father.

Their example is a powerful one that has reached many people. Celeste did a lot for us in her short time, thanks to God and the family who trusted.

In the midst of tragedy, suffering, and pain I will look to God and trust that He will be the parent He promised to be. I will carry His love with me, and a really nice pair of orange colored goggles.

My Embrace of The Catholic Faith (Part Four)

Part One
Part Two
Part Three

My family and I started going to Church every Sunday. Big D and I decided that if we were going to be Catholic and live a Catholic life we better start learning about it. Big D started buying books, lots and lots of books on the Catholic faith.

One book that I really liked was Catholicism for Dummies. This book has straightforward explanations with a little humor thrown in. We also referred to the Catechism of the Catholic Church. The more I read the more fascinated I became with the Catholic faith.

A friend and Co-worker of Big D invited us to go see and hear Fr Corapi at his local parish. We all went to the Church and it was beautiful. Fr, Corapi was sitting down and seemed to be very humble and quiet. When it was time for him to speak he was nowhere near quiet. He mesmerized me. His fire for the Catholic faith was something that reached my heart and soul. This is exactly what I needed, someone to speak to me about the Catholic faith and not water anything down.

When we left, my soul was on fire, I wanted to tell everyone I knew how wonderful the Catholic faith was, and that everyone should embrace it. I soon found out that many people did not want to hear that. Even people I know who are Catholic did not want to hear that. I was not trying to tell them that they were wrong or not with God. I felt as though I had the answer to life and I had to let people know what that was.

It soon seemed to feel that my family and I were looked at as a little too Catholic, a little too religious. It was discouraging at first. It seemed as though some of our family and friends wanted to distance themselves, and if they didn't they only wanted to debate religion with us. This was the time that I realized we would have some crosses to bear as we made our way closer to God. I became aware that I was not going to show people God through my words, it would have to be my actions and example, which is a lot harder. It is one thing to quote the Bible and the Catechism, it is quite another to live it out. I felt I would do best with the latter.

We did not let other people and their opinions stop us. As big D and I were studying the Catholic faith it became clear that The Church does not accept contraceptives. We felt we needed to find another alternative. We found an Natural Family Planning class at our parish and we went. This is where we met our very good friends B&D. They had been teaching the class for over twenty years. We learned how to do the Billings Method, and it just seemed so easy. Could this work? We started using the method, and yes it does work.

NFP is a natural way for a woman to know her body. I felt liberated with the feeling of control over the cycles of my body. It also gave Big D and I closeness in our relationship. Every month we had to decide if we would be open to life. We were giving of each other with nothing held back. It brought us so much closer on a spiritual and physical level.

Learning about and using NFP also gave me a very different outlook on children. Some people see a mom with eight kids and who uses NFP, what is there first thought? NFP does not work. That is so far from the truth. When you are using NFP you lose the notion that children are a burden. You see them for what they are, natural, loving gifts that come straight from God. So believe me that women with eight children who uses NFP knows exactly what she is doing.

NFP was completely new to me. I had never heard of it before, so I was sure the women I knew had never heard of it. As I used the method and found it to work very well I began telling my women friends and family about it. Some listened, some said it does not work, even though they never tried it. I think this was just one more thing that made me the kooky Catholic. I didn’t care I could see the transformation in my marriage and in myself.

Before I was happy with having my children, a boy and a girl. That was the perfect family. Everyone thought so. Any more children and you are reaching the point of being “different.” Like I said before, learning about the Catholic faith and using NFP gave me such a different insight on children. The reason that I feel Catholic woman who use NFP have many children is because the Lord opens your eyes and your hearts when you embrace what he is asking you to do. We can see God though these little people, how could you not want more! I was no different. My heart was tugging and I prayed on what we should do. Needless to say we ended up having two more children, another girl and another boy. Now I was the kooky Catholic with a lot of kids, and I loved it.

We received a call from our priest asking if we would be interested in facilitating the marriage classes at our parish. Our friends B&D ran the conference. Basically what happens is engaged couples come for the weekend, we talk about all things marriage, money, intimacy, in-laws, and other topics that need addressing.. We also let them know what the Catholic Church expects of them. How the Church views marriage. Obviously we said yes and have been doing this for about five years. Thank you B&D

I had been praying for some time for God to help my marriage. For Big D and I to become closer and be spiritually connected. Boy did he deliver. Going to Church, receiving the Sacraments, using NFP, becoming Marriage facilitators. We invited him into our marriage and he did not hesitate to fix it. Big D and I look at each other and life in a whole new way. We see our marriage as a blessed sacrament, our children as the fruits of that sacrament. Big D became a new man. I look up to him. He joined the Knights, became a Eucharistic Minister, and a lector. He became a man who stands up for what is right no matter the opposition. This is something I struggle with, so to have his example is very valuable to me. Thank you Big D for coming on this journey with me. Together we will hold each other up.

Sometimes people ask me what our secret is. There is no secret. God does not want us going through this life confused and constantly pondering life. Life is about loving one another and loving God. Seek the truth, it is not hard to find. Care for your family and neighbors. No secret, invite God into your lives.

I have thanked a few people throughout this writing; I am sure there are many more who God has put in my path. I can only hope that in some small way I have given back to these people, and to everyone I have come in contact with. You don’t have to do great things to be recognized by God. Your example, and the little things you do can set that person on the path to God. My journey is by no means over. I have just started. I am always learning something new. As of now I have no idea in what direction God is leading me. What I do know is if I put my trust in him he will never lead me astray. I thank everyone again, and I thank all of you who took the time to read my story.

Kelly

My Embrace of The Catholic Faith (Part Three)

Part One
Part Two

As I drew closer to embracing my faith, I felt as if I had hit a spiritual rock bottom. Big D and I were having troubles in our marriage. We were still in love, we argued a lot about money, we were extremely lacking in the communication department, and we seemed to be living as roommates rather than husband and wife.

At the same time my Grandfather was dying of Cancer. He was like a father to me. I spent most of my childhood with him because my parents both worked. He was strong, loving, and very smart. Now I was watching this disease rob him from his freedom, it was making the man who I thought could do anything turn into a feeble, weak old man. At times it was unbearable to go and visit him. In the past I would walk into his house and he would be making something for us to eat, we would sit at the kitchen table and shoot the breeze so to speak. Now when I went to visit, I would find a pale old man lying in the back bedroom going in and out of sleep. Every move would bring on the pain, it was heart wrenching.

The day came when my Grandpa fell into a coma. The whole family was at his house. Hospice came and very lightly gave us the hint that we did not have much time. The Hospice worker told us he could hear and that if there was anything we had to say we should go say it. I went into the room, as my Grandpa lay motionless on the bed. I remember he told me before the coma that he could feel someone grabbing his hands, we did notice when he was asleep he would hold both of his arms straight out like he was trying to grasp something. I told him it was his guardian angel. I don’t know if that eased his mind, but I hope it did.

I walked up to my Grandpa and whispered a few things to him. I said I love you, thank you, and it is ok to let go, we will all be ok. About a half an hour latter he passed away. I had the honor to be in the room with him. I say I had the honor because the feeling I had at that moment was extreme loss, but also I had the feeling you would get being present at a birth of a new baby. The honor of it, the miracle you have witnessed. It is hard for me to explain, but I was extremely honored to be present as my Grandfather’s soul began its journey home.

It was time to deal with the funeral. I was in a bit of denial over the whole death. There were brief times were I did not believe he actually died. I even thought I saw him driving down my street. That was a weird experience. The funeral was held at our Catholic Church. We had the full mass. Although it was sad, I had an overwhelming feeling of being home. When I discussed this with Big D, to my surprise he was feeling that same way.

After the funeral, I thought about the meaning of my Grandfathers life and soul. He did not go to church, or talk about God much. I knew he believed in God, he was never open about it. A Priest came to visit before my Grandpa went into a coma. I don’t know what went on, I could only hope this Priest guided my Grandpa in the right direction.

I was pondering all the things my Grandpa did for me in this life. Now that he has gone does that mean it is over? Someone I loved so much could just “poof” be gone and there is nothing more? I could not accept this. I believed my Grandpa should be at peace with God and if that meant I had to go to Church every Sunday and pray everyday for his soul that is what I was going to do. I was not going to do it for me, or because it is the truth, and I surely did not expect it to help my life in anyway. It would all be for him, to get his stubborn butt into Heaven. Thank you Grandpa

Big D and I made the decision soon after the funeral that we would commit to going to Mass every Sunday. It was mostly for Miss and Lil D. Big D was not aware that I had a mission to get my Grandpa into Heaven. (If he was not there already) We were ready to take the responsibility of having children a step further. Not only seeing that their worldly needs were met, but also their spiritual needs. I had always known my children were gifts from God; I did not realize the magnitude of these gifts. How through these helpless little beings you can most definitely see Gods light shining through. I knew I had to get them on a path to God, I did not know they would play such a pivotal role in helping me along mine. My heart pours out much thanks to my sweet babies.

To be continued…

My Embrace of the Catholic Faith (Part Two)

Part one

I started to get that nagging feeling in my heart. It was time to have another baby. Miss was 2 ½ and we felt she was ready to become a big sister.

Lil D was born at the end of winter. We had are girl and our boy, perfect. At this time we had not been to church since Miss was baptized. I knew I had to call Sister B again and tell her we still have not gone to church or made any changes for that matter.

I called Sister B and told her we would like to get Lil D Baptized. She asked again about attending Church, I said no. She asked if we would need to take the classes, I told her we took them when we had our first child baptized. Sister B told me that with every child, you as a parent become closer to God, and she again had faith that we would raise these two gifts in the Catholic Faith. Thanks again Sister B.

Lil D was baptized and time went on. It was easy not to go to church, no one we knew did. It was easy not to talk about God and all that he does for our lives, because no one we knew did. It was very easy to make up our own rules about religion and faith because I tend to be defensive if I feel someone is trying to control my thoughts or actions. Having this emotional deficiency makes it hard to decide if someone is controlling you, or giving you good advice to further your life on the right path. I was very comfortable making up my own rules about my relationship with God.

I talk about having people around us who did not go to church and did not talk about God, but that is not entirely true. Big D has an Aunt and Uncle; I will call them M&M. They were the only people at the time who were living their faith. They are Protestant, and never seemed to be embarrassed about how they worshiped, raised their children or had any apologies for the way they lived.

They invited us over to their house for dinner a few times. We talked about God, Scripture, faith, and our lack there of. They never made me feel like they were trying to persuade us to be Protestant. They never bashed the Catholic Church. I believe they were put in our path to be role models. To show us you can live a life with God as it’s center and still be “normal” people.

They showed me that if you were going to have faith in God, you have to live that faith, thank you M&M. We could also see some of the crosses they had and still have to bear for choosing to live their life the way they feel God wants them to. I did not think Big D and I would have to bear those crosses, heck our whole family was Catholic, we were Catholic. Just because we decide to go to church on Sundays, what could change? Everything would remain the same right? Yeah right.

To be continued...

My Embrace of The Catholic Faith (Part One)

I grew up in a family who had faith in God. My family considers themselves Catholic. We rarely ever went to church, but my parents did allow me to receive my first sacraments, Baptism, Reconciliation, and First Holy Communion. I was read Bible stories and was told that God loved me. My parents sent me to a Catholic school until the 5th grade, which is pretty much where living and learning about Catholicism stopped. Not that my parents did not like Catholicism, it was just not part of their lifestyle.

During Jr. High and High School, I strayed far away from any type of religion. I felt very lonely and depressed at that time of my life. I always felt as if something was missing. I can remember a friend giving me a huge framed poster of Christ on the Crucifix. I hung it over my bed. Every night while I was crying or feeling sorry for myself, I would pray and ask Gods forgiveness. Promising not to do the wrong I had done again. This was a nightly ritual so obviously I did not keep my promise to God.

A few years after high school, I met my husband. Something about him made it very clear to me that this was the man I would spend the rest of my life with. At the time I would call it fate, or my brain being high on the chemicals related to the feelings of love. I know now that I was being called to my vocation, and like it or not my husband was being called to his.

My husband grew up the same way I did concerning faith. His grandmother is a devout Catholic, and he spent a lot of time with her, so his Catholic faith was a little more fine

We dated for four months until he proposed. Some people thought it was quick, but when God is pulling you in a direction there really is no time limit. We stayed engaged for a year and a half. This was my mother’s request. She wanted time to plan her only daughters wedding. Got to love Mom’s too.

Our wedding day approached, and we were deciding on what sort of mass we were going to have. Should we have the full-blown Catholic Mass, or the short version minus Communion? I wanted the short version, not because I did not care, but because I felt I was not worthy to have Jesus present at the wedding. It sounds crazy when I think back on it, but that is how I felt.

Lets bring Nani back in on this. (Nani being my husbands devout Catholic Grandma) My husband told me his Nani would be devastated if we did not celebrate Communion at our wedding. I agreed (thank goodness)

And we had the full-blown Catholic ceremony. Now that I think about it, it is funny how a little Nani can bring such a powerful message of God. If it was not for her and her devastation, I might look back on my wedding with regret that I did not have Jesus there in the Eucharist. Thank you Nani.

Now I believe when God is calling you to do something, it can be very clear sometimes. I knew that I wanted to be a mother more than anything. My husband felt the same way about being a father. We had no reasons why we should not get to the baby making right away. After 7 months of being married we conceived Miss.

We were about to have a baby and move into our new house. It was an exciting and stressful time. I was a bit depressed and still had the old feeling of something is missing. Big D and I were extremely in love and happy, but it was as if we could not communicate it properly. We did not know the deeper meaning of marriage.

We struggled with this for some time. We were also very young. This was my first time living on my own, and I would soon have another life to be responsible for. This new child of ours would be the first baby I would have close contact with. I was a whirlwind of emotion. I had no idea how to be a wife or mother. I wondered if this was the right path for me. I felt I had no one to turn to with these emotions and thoughts, not even Big D.

I was the first one of my friends to get married; I believe they felt I was too young. I was 22 by the way. So I felt I could not talk to them about my problems. I could talk to my parents some of the time, but their advice was, “You’re a team, work it out.” I understood that, I don’t think they understood that there was something missing in my marriage and life and how bad I was longing for it. I didn’t even understand.

I had a few pity parties, and kept up the search for the “thing” I felt was missing in my life. By this time we wanted to have Miss Baptized in the Catholic Church. Big D and I knew how important this was, as did our families. Even though we had the mindset that going to church wasn’t all that important. Go figure.

I called some local Churches and told them I was interested in having my infant Baptized. The question that was asked was, “Do you go to church?” My answer was no. A few of these churches denied us a Baptism. I will admit I was angry. How could they deny my child a Baptism? We were good people. Just because we were sinners did not mean I wanted my child to be one. What I did not think about was the promise of Baptism, to raise this child in the Catholic Faith. Were we really prepared to do this? At the time I don’t think so.

The last Church I called, I spoke to Sister B. I told her we do not go to church but it was extremely important that our child receive the sacrament of Baptism. This wonderful woman had faith in us. She told us they would do the sacrament and she would hope and pray that this would bring us back into our Catholic faith. Thank you Sister B.

The Baptism took place and it was beautiful. After all was said and done, Big D and I occasionally said we needed to go to church, but for some reason it did not fit into our life.

We spent the next 3 years living our lives. Big D worked a tremendous amount. He was never home. I was becoming bitter and disrespectful towards Big D. We were floating through life. Nothing was getting better. Everything just seemed to stay the same.

To be continued…

Corpus Christi

Today is the feast of Corpus Christi. My parish has a procession around the grounds of the church. Litanies are said and hymns are sung. It is very beautiful. Deacon Clint helped out at our parish last year. He is so sweet and funny. He has the ability to remember everyone’s name and treat people like he has known them forever. Deacon Clint is now Father Clint. Father Clint came back to the parish to celebrate mass with us. I was happy that he was able to say mass and be with us for Corpus Christi.

It was a good day.

4th degree Knights. (my son likes them because they have swords)