Seeking

I have been reading the book The Fulfillment of All Desire by Ralph Martin. I recommend this book to everyone who is looking for a way to begin or keep on their spiritual journey.

This book has made me think a lot about all the petty things I think and worry about. A few times I wanted to stop reading the book because some of the instructions for a spiritual life are just too hard! But I kept reading and kept praying that I would at least finish the book.

There is so much good information in this book, but what I kept having trouble with is the parts where the Saints remind us that we must strive to not be of this world, to give up attachments to worldly things and of course sin.

The words, "Give up" are not on my favorite word list. But if I truly believe that my life on this Earth is only temporary, and I do, then why do I hold tight to things here that really mean nothing and embrace the things my soul will live with forever?

When God asks us to give things up He replaces what we have given up with graces we will need to live in paradise. This is difficult for me because I can see what is in the world, I can taste, feel, and hear it. Sometimes I can't understand God's Graces.

According to St.John of the Cross first we need a desire for God. To really seek Him out and to abandon all fears and give him all our trust. We will find Him, and He will never abandon us.

I am seeking

Come then, follow, seek him; do not let that unapproachable brightness and glory hold you back from seeking Him or make you despair from finding Him. "The lord is good to the soul who seeks Him" (Lam.3:18)

-St.Bernard

My Embrace of The Catholic Faith (Part Four)

Part One
Part Two
Part Three

My family and I started going to Church every Sunday. Big D and I decided that if we were going to be Catholic and live a Catholic life we better start learning about it. Big D started buying books, lots and lots of books on the Catholic faith.

One book that I really liked was Catholicism for Dummies. This book has straightforward explanations with a little humor thrown in. We also referred to the Catechism of the Catholic Church. The more I read the more fascinated I became with the Catholic faith.

A friend and Co-worker of Big D invited us to go see and hear Fr Corapi at his local parish. We all went to the Church and it was beautiful. Fr, Corapi was sitting down and seemed to be very humble and quiet. When it was time for him to speak he was nowhere near quiet. He mesmerized me. His fire for the Catholic faith was something that reached my heart and soul. This is exactly what I needed, someone to speak to me about the Catholic faith and not water anything down.

When we left, my soul was on fire, I wanted to tell everyone I knew how wonderful the Catholic faith was, and that everyone should embrace it. I soon found out that many people did not want to hear that. Even people I know who are Catholic did not want to hear that. I was not trying to tell them that they were wrong or not with God. I felt as though I had the answer to life and I had to let people know what that was.

It soon seemed to feel that my family and I were looked at as a little too Catholic, a little too religious. It was discouraging at first. It seemed as though some of our family and friends wanted to distance themselves, and if they didn't they only wanted to debate religion with us. This was the time that I realized we would have some crosses to bear as we made our way closer to God. I became aware that I was not going to show people God through my words, it would have to be my actions and example, which is a lot harder. It is one thing to quote the Bible and the Catechism, it is quite another to live it out. I felt I would do best with the latter.

We did not let other people and their opinions stop us. As big D and I were studying the Catholic faith it became clear that The Church does not accept contraceptives. We felt we needed to find another alternative. We found an Natural Family Planning class at our parish and we went. This is where we met our very good friends B&D. They had been teaching the class for over twenty years. We learned how to do the Billings Method, and it just seemed so easy. Could this work? We started using the method, and yes it does work.

NFP is a natural way for a woman to know her body. I felt liberated with the feeling of control over the cycles of my body. It also gave Big D and I closeness in our relationship. Every month we had to decide if we would be open to life. We were giving of each other with nothing held back. It brought us so much closer on a spiritual and physical level.

Learning about and using NFP also gave me a very different outlook on children. Some people see a mom with eight kids and who uses NFP, what is there first thought? NFP does not work. That is so far from the truth. When you are using NFP you lose the notion that children are a burden. You see them for what they are, natural, loving gifts that come straight from God. So believe me that women with eight children who uses NFP knows exactly what she is doing.

NFP was completely new to me. I had never heard of it before, so I was sure the women I knew had never heard of it. As I used the method and found it to work very well I began telling my women friends and family about it. Some listened, some said it does not work, even though they never tried it. I think this was just one more thing that made me the kooky Catholic. I didn’t care I could see the transformation in my marriage and in myself.

Before I was happy with having my children, a boy and a girl. That was the perfect family. Everyone thought so. Any more children and you are reaching the point of being “different.” Like I said before, learning about the Catholic faith and using NFP gave me such a different insight on children. The reason that I feel Catholic woman who use NFP have many children is because the Lord opens your eyes and your hearts when you embrace what he is asking you to do. We can see God though these little people, how could you not want more! I was no different. My heart was tugging and I prayed on what we should do. Needless to say we ended up having two more children, another girl and another boy. Now I was the kooky Catholic with a lot of kids, and I loved it.

We received a call from our priest asking if we would be interested in facilitating the marriage classes at our parish. Our friends B&D ran the conference. Basically what happens is engaged couples come for the weekend, we talk about all things marriage, money, intimacy, in-laws, and other topics that need addressing.. We also let them know what the Catholic Church expects of them. How the Church views marriage. Obviously we said yes and have been doing this for about five years. Thank you B&D

I had been praying for some time for God to help my marriage. For Big D and I to become closer and be spiritually connected. Boy did he deliver. Going to Church, receiving the Sacraments, using NFP, becoming Marriage facilitators. We invited him into our marriage and he did not hesitate to fix it. Big D and I look at each other and life in a whole new way. We see our marriage as a blessed sacrament, our children as the fruits of that sacrament. Big D became a new man. I look up to him. He joined the Knights, became a Eucharistic Minister, and a lector. He became a man who stands up for what is right no matter the opposition. This is something I struggle with, so to have his example is very valuable to me. Thank you Big D for coming on this journey with me. Together we will hold each other up.

Sometimes people ask me what our secret is. There is no secret. God does not want us going through this life confused and constantly pondering life. Life is about loving one another and loving God. Seek the truth, it is not hard to find. Care for your family and neighbors. No secret, invite God into your lives.

I have thanked a few people throughout this writing; I am sure there are many more who God has put in my path. I can only hope that in some small way I have given back to these people, and to everyone I have come in contact with. You don’t have to do great things to be recognized by God. Your example, and the little things you do can set that person on the path to God. My journey is by no means over. I have just started. I am always learning something new. As of now I have no idea in what direction God is leading me. What I do know is if I put my trust in him he will never lead me astray. I thank everyone again, and I thank all of you who took the time to read my story.

Kelly

My Embrace of The Catholic Faith (Part Three)

Part One
Part Two

As I drew closer to embracing my faith, I felt as if I had hit a spiritual rock bottom. Big D and I were having troubles in our marriage. We were still in love, we argued a lot about money, we were extremely lacking in the communication department, and we seemed to be living as roommates rather than husband and wife.

At the same time my Grandfather was dying of Cancer. He was like a father to me. I spent most of my childhood with him because my parents both worked. He was strong, loving, and very smart. Now I was watching this disease rob him from his freedom, it was making the man who I thought could do anything turn into a feeble, weak old man. At times it was unbearable to go and visit him. In the past I would walk into his house and he would be making something for us to eat, we would sit at the kitchen table and shoot the breeze so to speak. Now when I went to visit, I would find a pale old man lying in the back bedroom going in and out of sleep. Every move would bring on the pain, it was heart wrenching.

The day came when my Grandpa fell into a coma. The whole family was at his house. Hospice came and very lightly gave us the hint that we did not have much time. The Hospice worker told us he could hear and that if there was anything we had to say we should go say it. I went into the room, as my Grandpa lay motionless on the bed. I remember he told me before the coma that he could feel someone grabbing his hands, we did notice when he was asleep he would hold both of his arms straight out like he was trying to grasp something. I told him it was his guardian angel. I don’t know if that eased his mind, but I hope it did.

I walked up to my Grandpa and whispered a few things to him. I said I love you, thank you, and it is ok to let go, we will all be ok. About a half an hour latter he passed away. I had the honor to be in the room with him. I say I had the honor because the feeling I had at that moment was extreme loss, but also I had the feeling you would get being present at a birth of a new baby. The honor of it, the miracle you have witnessed. It is hard for me to explain, but I was extremely honored to be present as my Grandfather’s soul began its journey home.

It was time to deal with the funeral. I was in a bit of denial over the whole death. There were brief times were I did not believe he actually died. I even thought I saw him driving down my street. That was a weird experience. The funeral was held at our Catholic Church. We had the full mass. Although it was sad, I had an overwhelming feeling of being home. When I discussed this with Big D, to my surprise he was feeling that same way.

After the funeral, I thought about the meaning of my Grandfathers life and soul. He did not go to church, or talk about God much. I knew he believed in God, he was never open about it. A Priest came to visit before my Grandpa went into a coma. I don’t know what went on, I could only hope this Priest guided my Grandpa in the right direction.

I was pondering all the things my Grandpa did for me in this life. Now that he has gone does that mean it is over? Someone I loved so much could just “poof” be gone and there is nothing more? I could not accept this. I believed my Grandpa should be at peace with God and if that meant I had to go to Church every Sunday and pray everyday for his soul that is what I was going to do. I was not going to do it for me, or because it is the truth, and I surely did not expect it to help my life in anyway. It would all be for him, to get his stubborn butt into Heaven. Thank you Grandpa

Big D and I made the decision soon after the funeral that we would commit to going to Mass every Sunday. It was mostly for Miss and Lil D. Big D was not aware that I had a mission to get my Grandpa into Heaven. (If he was not there already) We were ready to take the responsibility of having children a step further. Not only seeing that their worldly needs were met, but also their spiritual needs. I had always known my children were gifts from God; I did not realize the magnitude of these gifts. How through these helpless little beings you can most definitely see Gods light shining through. I knew I had to get them on a path to God, I did not know they would play such a pivotal role in helping me along mine. My heart pours out much thanks to my sweet babies.

To be continued…

My Embrace of the Catholic Faith (Part Two)

Part one

I started to get that nagging feeling in my heart. It was time to have another baby. Miss was 2 ½ and we felt she was ready to become a big sister.

Lil D was born at the end of winter. We had are girl and our boy, perfect. At this time we had not been to church since Miss was baptized. I knew I had to call Sister B again and tell her we still have not gone to church or made any changes for that matter.

I called Sister B and told her we would like to get Lil D Baptized. She asked again about attending Church, I said no. She asked if we would need to take the classes, I told her we took them when we had our first child baptized. Sister B told me that with every child, you as a parent become closer to God, and she again had faith that we would raise these two gifts in the Catholic Faith. Thanks again Sister B.

Lil D was baptized and time went on. It was easy not to go to church, no one we knew did. It was easy not to talk about God and all that he does for our lives, because no one we knew did. It was very easy to make up our own rules about religion and faith because I tend to be defensive if I feel someone is trying to control my thoughts or actions. Having this emotional deficiency makes it hard to decide if someone is controlling you, or giving you good advice to further your life on the right path. I was very comfortable making up my own rules about my relationship with God.

I talk about having people around us who did not go to church and did not talk about God, but that is not entirely true. Big D has an Aunt and Uncle; I will call them M&M. They were the only people at the time who were living their faith. They are Protestant, and never seemed to be embarrassed about how they worshiped, raised their children or had any apologies for the way they lived.

They invited us over to their house for dinner a few times. We talked about God, Scripture, faith, and our lack there of. They never made me feel like they were trying to persuade us to be Protestant. They never bashed the Catholic Church. I believe they were put in our path to be role models. To show us you can live a life with God as it’s center and still be “normal” people.

They showed me that if you were going to have faith in God, you have to live that faith, thank you M&M. We could also see some of the crosses they had and still have to bear for choosing to live their life the way they feel God wants them to. I did not think Big D and I would have to bear those crosses, heck our whole family was Catholic, we were Catholic. Just because we decide to go to church on Sundays, what could change? Everything would remain the same right? Yeah right.

To be continued...

My Embrace of The Catholic Faith (Part One)

I grew up in a family who had faith in God. My family considers themselves Catholic. We rarely ever went to church, but my parents did allow me to receive my first sacraments, Baptism, Reconciliation, and First Holy Communion. I was read Bible stories and was told that God loved me. My parents sent me to a Catholic school until the 5th grade, which is pretty much where living and learning about Catholicism stopped. Not that my parents did not like Catholicism, it was just not part of their lifestyle.

During Jr. High and High School, I strayed far away from any type of religion. I felt very lonely and depressed at that time of my life. I always felt as if something was missing. I can remember a friend giving me a huge framed poster of Christ on the Crucifix. I hung it over my bed. Every night while I was crying or feeling sorry for myself, I would pray and ask Gods forgiveness. Promising not to do the wrong I had done again. This was a nightly ritual so obviously I did not keep my promise to God.

A few years after high school, I met my husband. Something about him made it very clear to me that this was the man I would spend the rest of my life with. At the time I would call it fate, or my brain being high on the chemicals related to the feelings of love. I know now that I was being called to my vocation, and like it or not my husband was being called to his.

My husband grew up the same way I did concerning faith. His grandmother is a devout Catholic, and he spent a lot of time with her, so his Catholic faith was a little more fine

We dated for four months until he proposed. Some people thought it was quick, but when God is pulling you in a direction there really is no time limit. We stayed engaged for a year and a half. This was my mother’s request. She wanted time to plan her only daughters wedding. Got to love Mom’s too.

Our wedding day approached, and we were deciding on what sort of mass we were going to have. Should we have the full-blown Catholic Mass, or the short version minus Communion? I wanted the short version, not because I did not care, but because I felt I was not worthy to have Jesus present at the wedding. It sounds crazy when I think back on it, but that is how I felt.

Lets bring Nani back in on this. (Nani being my husbands devout Catholic Grandma) My husband told me his Nani would be devastated if we did not celebrate Communion at our wedding. I agreed (thank goodness)

And we had the full-blown Catholic ceremony. Now that I think about it, it is funny how a little Nani can bring such a powerful message of God. If it was not for her and her devastation, I might look back on my wedding with regret that I did not have Jesus there in the Eucharist. Thank you Nani.

Now I believe when God is calling you to do something, it can be very clear sometimes. I knew that I wanted to be a mother more than anything. My husband felt the same way about being a father. We had no reasons why we should not get to the baby making right away. After 7 months of being married we conceived Miss.

We were about to have a baby and move into our new house. It was an exciting and stressful time. I was a bit depressed and still had the old feeling of something is missing. Big D and I were extremely in love and happy, but it was as if we could not communicate it properly. We did not know the deeper meaning of marriage.

We struggled with this for some time. We were also very young. This was my first time living on my own, and I would soon have another life to be responsible for. This new child of ours would be the first baby I would have close contact with. I was a whirlwind of emotion. I had no idea how to be a wife or mother. I wondered if this was the right path for me. I felt I had no one to turn to with these emotions and thoughts, not even Big D.

I was the first one of my friends to get married; I believe they felt I was too young. I was 22 by the way. So I felt I could not talk to them about my problems. I could talk to my parents some of the time, but their advice was, “You’re a team, work it out.” I understood that, I don’t think they understood that there was something missing in my marriage and life and how bad I was longing for it. I didn’t even understand.

I had a few pity parties, and kept up the search for the “thing” I felt was missing in my life. By this time we wanted to have Miss Baptized in the Catholic Church. Big D and I knew how important this was, as did our families. Even though we had the mindset that going to church wasn’t all that important. Go figure.

I called some local Churches and told them I was interested in having my infant Baptized. The question that was asked was, “Do you go to church?” My answer was no. A few of these churches denied us a Baptism. I will admit I was angry. How could they deny my child a Baptism? We were good people. Just because we were sinners did not mean I wanted my child to be one. What I did not think about was the promise of Baptism, to raise this child in the Catholic Faith. Were we really prepared to do this? At the time I don’t think so.

The last Church I called, I spoke to Sister B. I told her we do not go to church but it was extremely important that our child receive the sacrament of Baptism. This wonderful woman had faith in us. She told us they would do the sacrament and she would hope and pray that this would bring us back into our Catholic faith. Thank you Sister B.

The Baptism took place and it was beautiful. After all was said and done, Big D and I occasionally said we needed to go to church, but for some reason it did not fit into our life.

We spent the next 3 years living our lives. Big D worked a tremendous amount. He was never home. I was becoming bitter and disrespectful towards Big D. We were floating through life. Nothing was getting better. Everything just seemed to stay the same.

To be continued…